Empath, INFJ, Random opinions

Toxic Empathy

Being an empath or having a really high EQ (emotional intelligence) is very valuable in the world, although often ignored. But we are capable of completely understanding the emotional landscape we are in and the emotional reality of those around us.

The big problem is that we attract those who have exceptionally low EQs and are incapable of being emotionally vulnerable. And seek validation and self-worth with literally whoever happens to be available at the time- so often they are incapable of being faithful, loyal, loving or even having respect for you and your boundaries.

But we do not see that in the beginning. In the beginning we feel their emotional landscape. We see all the red flags and we ignore them all because we understand where those came from. And because we know their wounds and where they came from we believe all they need is someone to help them with their low self-worth and self-identity. In other words, if we just love them enough and validate them enough they will become a better person, their greater self, and those wounds they carry will be healed. And we believe this because all the wounds we have ever carried we looked into, understood, and over time began to heal. So why wouldn’t someone else be capable of the same thing? Well, because they lack that EQ to even acknowledge their wounds, be accountable for their behaviour and be perceived as vulnerable at all, ever.

So there we are in a relationship that is very one-sided.

You give and give. You uplift them. You help them feel better about themselves. You love them faithfully, loyally and you respect them. And you never get any of that back. Not ever. But already you are in a pattern of giving all that emotional energy to them that suddenly you do not value your own needs anymore. It is all about their needs. And they will never see your needs let alone fulfill them.

And then, yeah, we are sucked into toxic empathy. Never thinking of our needs and our boundaries. And every time they screw up- when they are unfaithful, and lie, and gaslight and worse. We do not immediately pull away, because we over empathize with them. We understand where all that is coming from. And we still believe that they will also eventually see this and work on healing that. Instead, what happens is our needs are never met and we make everyone happy but ourselves.

It’s very painful really to exist like this. And it is so exhausting.

Then one day you start to realize how one-sided this all is. That no matter how much you love them, how much energy you give to them, how much you uplift them they will never do the same for you. Hell, likely they are blaming you for the horrible actions they take because they can’t be accountable themselves- so someone has to be blamed, right?

But when things get bad and you understand they will never hold to your boundaries. They will never consider your desires and needs. They will never care about your well-being like you care for theirs. They will never uplift you like you do for them, because they want you to shrink and be small and stay regardless of how they treat you. Because that means they can do whatever they want- and still have you there to fallback on.

And so you start saying that you have needs and wants too. And that you have boundaries that should never be crossed. And they get this sense you might not put up with all their toxic behaviours anymore. So they immediately jump into love bombing mode and telling you how much better they are going to be. And may even say they are willing to go to therapy. And you believe that. Because you want to.

But only for so long. Words are not actions. And when you realize they never follow through with their words, then those words are empty. And the pain they cause is going to be a constant factor in your life. They will not change. They will not heal. They will just continue doing the behaviours that In the Moment make them feel better about themselves while at the same time causing you so much pain, that they literally do not care about.

And when you realize this- then you leave.

And it is so shocking to them that you will Finally stand up for yourself. And now they do not have that constant in their lives they can depend on to make themselves feel better about all the horrible things they do. And when you leave, trust me, it will not be a problem for them. They already have one, two, many other women/men they have cultivated to make them feel better about themselves. And all they need to do is pick the one that has the most empathy to replace what they were getting from you. And that is a hard person to find the older we get because most people with a High EQ learn the behaviours they have that are not working for us and we change. We begin to really have a stable sense of self that knows boundaries are important and know that reciprocal feelings and actions are important. And what they need is someone who hasn’t learned that yet. So they will jump from connection to connection, never capable of giving what people need in a relationship, until they find that one that fills that role.

And we? Are free. And we have learned what was unhealthy about our behaviours and we have fixed those. So that we will accept the love that we actually deserve. And being a healthy empath (or someone with a high EQ) is a gift we give others. And not the weakness they made us believe. And we certainly do not need to jump from relationship to relationship like they do, because we are a whole person and a whole person is completely fine alone and will get into a relationship. whenever that happens, that is healthy, stable and reciprocal because that is what we know we deserve.

But we are totally fine waiting for that. We have no problem being alone. Actually, right after that sort of relationship we Value being alone to recover our emotional reserve and energy. To just recover from being empty and constantly filling someone else’s cup rather than our own. Certainly. being alone for a couple of months I just needed to recover. And I really welcomed that peace.

And you have to have some self-compassion for yourself and your learning process and growth. It was a painful lesson, yes, but it triggered some serious growth. That you needed to do. But maybe it took a lot of time. It wasn’t wasted time. Your intentions were pure. You loved them. You wanted what was best for them. You were honest, faithful, loyal and respected them. All those things are good. It was all on them that they were incapable of ever giving that back.

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