journal, The life

Reflections: Past Failures

Daily Om prompt

Well, I’m not too fond on thinking about my failures because in the past my brain was super great at that. Even if they were not my failures. Even if I had no role in the situation, still felt that way when something went sideways. And I felt like a failure even when I wasn’t.

Obviously, I have reflected on my recently finished relationship. It lasted 25 years which is impressive. But it ended horrifically and so I have reflected on that and what the actual fuck happened to make that situation come into existence. Obviously, I am not to blame for the actions of others. And I would never blame myself for those actions. Although, some of those actions like the lying and the repetitive cheating when I was younger, yes, I blamed myself. But I don’t do that anymore. Not for any of that horror show.

And I definitely shouldn’t feel any blame for all that. So that is not my failure. That is all on him but he will never, ever show any accountability because God forbid it ruins his image in the eyes of others, which it would in this case. So he will just have to live with the man in the mirror, I guess.

But I did do things I now know better. I know to set boundaries and keep them. And I know when I know someone is lying I will not make excuses for them when I love them. I mean, you know its a lie but you pretend it isn’t. All the while your brain is adding all the lies up to make a picture from that puzzle. And man, that turned out way worse than I thought. But nevertheless, I excused his bad behaviour so much because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Which is idiotic since he doesn’t have a problem hurting mine for so much worse stuff. So you learn to see the red flags and your learn to listen to your intuition but sometimes, man, you choose to ignore it hoping that it isn’t as bad as you think. But it can be worse. It can be worse that the worst initial concept you had. My therapist says I have PTSD now. So that is awesome. A little gift he gave me. But it has to be confirmed and with the waitlists who even knows how long that will be.

I think at this moment in my life he is the biggest regret I have. Which is sad to know given how long I was with him. But I guess I should have broken up with him the first time he cheated on me and saved me all the trouble down the road and that massive seriously effed up situation at the end.

But my empathy wasn’t a failure. Just because my emotions and empathy were used against me doesn’t mean Empathy is a Flaw. It just isn’t. It can be used to manipulate someone when that person doing the manipulation is that type of person, but many people are not that type of person. And I would rather be empathetic than unable to be vulnerable and unable to connect with my own emotions.

So I definitely think in the last five years of that spiral downward I should have left. Hell, I should have run like the wind. But being so embedded in that relationship, you feel a deep loyalty however misplaced it is. I give my trust, respect and loyalty freely in all my relationships and it isn’t my fault if they choose to destroy that. I choose to do those. And they choose their actions.

1 thought on “Reflections: Past Failures”

  1. I have blocked him, and his whole family. Him for obvious reasons, his family because no matter what it is awkward that he will not have told them the truth, I can’t simply be quiet about it. So it is better to simply block them. To me it is none of my business, but it has affected you severely and that does also affect me. I would like to know what Dave thinks about all of this, he doesn’t talk to me. I don’t know why, but I have some ideas. Only guesses mind you. It hurts in both cases. I have the same feelings that you have, a failure as a father, a failure as a husband. In some ways the things that happened were better in the long run others just seem to be wrong. No matter what you do in life sometimes people are hurt wether you intended it or even knew it. Choices are made because of events situations etc. You can’t always make the right choice for everyone else you have to make the choice for yourself. That is the best.


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