INFJ, introvert, personality

Boundaries? What are those? INFJ problems

I always like to start off with the standard ‘Myers-Briggs Personality’ is not exactly perfect for a personality typing system. I don’t think any of them are. And as long as I am aware of that and that nothing is set in stone- I’m good with that.

INFJs and Boundaries

But if you know a bit about INFJs you will know that we have a big issue with boundaries. As in we apparently have no idea how to set them up and keep them. We have this insane need for harmony in those around us. And that can mean sacrificing our needs, wants and desires to make other people comfortable, happy and all good. Even if those people totally screw us over.

And I am insanely bad with boundaries. And, man, it is really not working for me. I keep catching myself thinking about everyone else’s needs and feelings at the expense of my own. Like those mean More than mine. Like I have to consider theirs Before Mine. And trust me, they Do not give me that consideration because they cross boundaries of mine all the time, and hurt me, all the time… and have no care in the world. Because there are no consequences.

I am not quite sure why I put up with that. But I don’t forever. That is what that whole INFJ door slam is about. We usually try to fix the situation and fix it and fix it. And the… fuck it… we are Out. But that takes a very long time. And setting up effective boundaries seems like a far more effective way to go and healthy as well. I assume other people have methods of doing this. Rather than this ineffective strategy and then this sucky ditching people forever plan we have going on. Because even though we take the brunt of things for a very long time- that door slam is a brutal way to close things off with people. I have not done that since I was young because I am aware of the emotional consequences of it- but, damn, it’s tempting.

What boundaries are For

So I grasp the concept of boundaries- even if I never hold to them

  • They allow us to take care of our own needs first so that we are mentally, emotionally and physically able to take care of the needs of others. Prioritizing our needs and wants and desires.
  • Saying no helps us manage out time and energy. Working with ourselves rather than against ourselves. I should note due to my poor health I have learned to Say No… because I have to pace. But I still feel obligated in some cases no matter how cruddy I feel, and I will push through it for those instances.
  • Boundaries teach respect. That we respect ourselves. That others respect us. And I am very aware that some people do not respect me considering I must resemble a doormat. I keep saying ‘But I would never do that to them… As though that fact will stop them. It doesn’t.’
  • When we do say no- or yes- to others this honesty allows us to understand more about ourselves. More about our needs, desires and values.
  • When we hold to and establish boundaries, we Shouldn’t feel guilty when we adhere to them.

When and if we can set and adhere to our boundaries, we will feel better about accepting our own needs and desires. And then we can be more our better selves and not this person that is constantly being taken advantage of.

Or at least that is the Idea. But I haven’t manifested that yet. I am keenly aware of the problem though. I wasn’t aware of the problem as much when I was younger, but it definitely was a problem then too. It is just now I realize how many people take advantage of me, painfully so, like I don’t have any feelings.

And I think they actually do not respect me or my feelings if that is the way they treat me- and I would never treat them that way. But that makes no difference. People do not treat you like you treat them despite what people say. People treat you how you let them treat you. And they learn how to treat you based on how you respond to that treatment. I am teaching people how to treat me, and it is not a good lesson at all.

But when it comes to drawing a line in the sand on any of these issues my brain is like ‘Well, I don’t want to hurt Their feelings. I don’t want to cause Them problems.’ I mean, it is nuts. Partly, I get that. I don’t like the idea of inadvertently and intentionally causing harm to people I care about. But they certainly don’t have the same consideration. And all I really want to do is correct the situation and say ‘Hey, stop taking advantage of me here. It’s not cool.’

But it isn’t one incident or two or three that is to blame. It is my entire mindset about this sort of thing. That I don’t establish firm boundaries and even if I do there are no consequences from stomping all over them. I definitely need to figure this one out. In my head I think I would never let people walk all over me. In reality, I definitely do. It’s a bit of a problem. And at my age you’d think I’d have figured this one out. At least I am aware it is a problem. And I got the hang of saying no and preserving my peace, energy and space. And standing up for certain rights. But not much else.

But I think maybe a lot of introverts have some problems with boundaries. I am not entirely sure of that theory though. Maybe INFJs just suck a lot at it because of that whole extroverted feeling business. And while that comes with perks it comes with downfalls too.

See more posts

INFJ sub-types
Internal self- Are we good narrators of our own story?
Pretend-extroversion: when introverts fake it

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