365 Questions, One Page Per Day: A One Year Self-Discovery Journal
DAY 15:
In what areas of your life are you struggling most and why?
So this question is a bit of a drag to think about because I am having some difficulties in a lot of areas. So… welcome to my pity party post!
Some of that has to do with my health. It just went nutbars approximately 3-4 years ago when the vertigo jumped on board with the chronic pain. And since then it has been very difficult to find my ‘balance’.
Being permanently disabled from work is an adjustment. I mean, I had gone down to part-time income and that was hard enough on my budget but disability income is even worse. It is sort of harsh that disability income is so low but when you have poor health you have extra health needs- that you then can’t afford because you are now disabled. So… that is idiotic. There are also so many treatments that are out of pocket and so that is pointless because even part-time I couldn’t afford them. Doesn’t stop people from Constantly recommending them though.
So yeah, dealing with being disabled is difficult mentally and emotionally for sure. And damn hard financially. So in addition to dealing with the low functionality of your health and dealing with all the things that come with being disabled (isolation, guilt, feeling like a burden, lack of purpose, and so on and so on) you also have to deal with some seriously significant financial instability. That you can’t fix. And you feel like that is your fault and if only you could somehow Force your Body to Work you could FIX the problem. I cannot even express how much I loathe the fact that I feel like a problem, a complication, an inconvenience. And it isn’t something I can do anything about.
That doesn’t mean I do not cope well with chronic pain and illness. I have learned some great coping skills. And some damn hard-earned resiliency as well. And I know how to help make this existence feel worthwhile- the time I have in the day I can do things anyway. I don’t have a problem with my self-worth, now. Or valuing the things I Can do. Or feeling productive- in the new version of the word ‘productive’ one has with a chronic illness.
It is just that all of this has created extra struggles, more stresses, bonus problems that have no solutions and no answers and no way to fix. Like how to get anything done. And how to get the bills paid every month. And afford any extra problem that crops up that can’t be fixed with duct tape or ignored for as long as humanly possible. And the decline in health comes with all its own complications and problems and things to consider. And then there are the bonus relationship stresses. So… a lot of things are affected.
But I am dealing. And will continue to do so. Because that is what you do. Life is complicated like that. And not every facet of my life is a problem. Some of it is art and writing and many other things in there. There isn’t a person out there without struggles. I’m not going to mope that these are mine. I’m not going to say its sunshine and rainbows either. I’m going to try and live within my limitations.
The Wyrd 