365 days of questions: Unhappiness

365 Questions, One Page Per Day: A One Year Self-Discovery Journal 

DAY 3:

What has been the main cause(s) of unhappiness throughout your life?

Well, I am pretty sure I was born having an existential crisis so there is that.

Because I am a weird one

I think mostly it has been I am always a bit out of sorts with the crowd. I don’t have a niche in this world. No place I really fit in really. Bit of an oddball. And I own that. I don’t actually have a problem with the way I think or am.

But it makes it difficult to have any sort of job satisfaction. Or to have any true depth in friendships- because people just do not dig talking about the things I think about. I can talk about all the normal things and I adapt exceptionally well to any crowd around me. And to compensate for the lack of social skills I tend to make a whole lot of jokes. It is an awesome social buffer. So I get along with all sorts of people on all sorts of levels. But people do not know me on any level other than that really top surface level. The one I allow, really.

When I just try to see what will happen if I throw out something that I am into at that particular moment (what topic of interest I happen to be obsessing about)… it never goes well. I can literally see the boredom seep into their eyes. Or the lack of caring. The complete disinterest. Or they really have not thought about it and really don’t even want to. Most people do not care about abstract things that have absolutely nothing to do with their lives. Whereas I just have a need to learn and think about all sorts of theories and ideas constantly. I want to figure things out. I like to think about the whys. But I get that most of those questions have no answers. And likely never will have answers in my lifetime. And I get they have no application to my everyday life. It is just how my brain rolls. And very likely why philosophy sucked me in as a major in university- it was insanely appealing to my brain.

I remember being a really young kid thinking about if there was a divine being out there what sort of being would that be. What did that mean about good and evil. And why evil was allowed to exit. And how free will could exist if such a being also existed. And the nature of the universe… if it was infinite and if it wasn’t… what if I went to the edge of it and just stuck my hand out? What would happen then? Maybe all kids think those sorts of things when they also have insomnia. Maybe insomniacs inevitably question reality- I mean, it gets pretty boring trying to sleep.

So I feel pretty disconnected. Sometimes I feel lonely in a crowd. So I have learned to try and find other people who think weird abstract strangeness like I do. Online is the best place. Personality groups. Writing groups. Philosophy groups. Whatever. And I just read a lot of things that fascinate me because I want to even if I have no one to actually talk with about it. I mean I take some serious deep dives into subjects because I have some Need to do so. And then when I feel like I am comfortable with the answers… I get obsessed with something new and shiny. And down the rabbit hole I go again.

That isn’t to say I never find anyone ever to talk about this stuff with. I have family members that dig this sort of thing. It is just that when you are shut down the millionth time by someone you sort of stop talking about the things you are into. And that makes it hard to find the people that are Also into those things in the real world. It is easier to observe people and sort of converse with them in the way they generally present themselves. And that can be fascinating on many levels. It is just never those things I have stuffed in my head.

And I will literally never connect with all the other abstract nutters out there thinking the same thoughts and have the same interests- because I shut down a long time ago. And I am quite used to adapting to the people around me- but keeping all that stuff shut inside. And regretting every single time I happen to let some of it accidentally come out. But if you never express those sorts of ideas and thoughts then you will never connect with other people in a conversation about them either. So that sucks. Makes me wonder how many other people like me are out there – just kept silent by the indifference of others. And I think I must just be interested in obscure and weird things. And I am actually. But also just abstract theories in various disciplines. Just a lot of random things. I don’t want to talk about my day, or week, or how things are going- I will- but it is pretty boring in this life here. Now quantum consciousness- I dig that topic as I am currently digging into that one. That is way cooler than my day to day life.

Because I have pain and depression

Another source of unhappiness is my chronic pain which causes sleep issues and stress and, more than once in my life, deep depression. It is something that limits your Being in the world. How you move and exist and present your personality and Self in the world. So no matter your goals, desires, wants and needs you have to dampen all that down to very realistic, smaller more achievable, teeny tiny goals, desires and needs.

And that sucks. It just does. And at various times in my existence I had a hell of a time accepting that fact. That I had to be Limited in my wants and ambitions like that. And, yeah, that led to a lot of tension and unhappiness. And a lot of denial and striving for things that were Impossible to sustain with my level of pain. Which led to more pain, a hell of a lot of stress trying to maintain the impossible, and depression as I tried to hold onto a career when the pain was well beyond my level to cope with and inevitably complete burnout. And then I would do it again. And again. And again.

Until I finally learned it just can’t Be. I have learned to redefine a lot of what makes me content. Redefined my self-identity. How to be happy and live a better existence within my limitations. But it isn’t easy by any means to have to accept a life so different from the one you wanted or thought you should have. But in the end, I have no idea if that life, with those ambitions, would have led to contentment and happiness anyway. My personality doesn’t handle stress well in certain environments and I am prone to burnout anyway if I do not acknowledge that specific environments, certain jobs as well, are Not designed for me. My illnesses just prove that point way faster and harder.

But both of those things are things I understand a lot better now that I am older. I know the type of personality I am may not fit with a lot of people but there are people out there like me I can find if I want some deep conversation on quantum consciousness, or cognitive biases or whatever I am into at that specific moment. And I like my friends for who they are and for what they bring to our friendships. Friendships are all sorts of different levels and meet all sorts of different needs in us all. And the second case I learned about myself that I shouldn’t work certain jobs or in certain ways. That even if I wasn’t disabled I would have to find a job or career that is more suitable to my nature. Because I am so prone to burnout. And I would also have to maintain work/life balance. And that is just something I know about myself now.

Days

DAY 1
DAY 2