Coronavirus isolation prep: How to be a hermit

I know I have made a lot of jokes about people hoarding toilet paper because it is So Damn easy. I mean so much toilet paper I can imagine them having insane cabin fever in those 2 weeks of quarantine they go bonkers and make toilet paper forts and have toilet paper fights.

But this is a Pandemic. Yes, many of us are coping with Gallows Humour and as someone with a chronic illness I am very familiar with coping with that form of humour under stress. I get that. I do. And, No, panicking doesn’t do anyone any good at all. Freaking out not good. Being reasonably cautious is a good idea.

1. No hugging strangers (Yeah, I’m talking to you Huggers out there)
2. No touching your face… I know it drives me bonkers too. As soon as I am in public I have an irresistible urge to rub my eyes. And scratch my nose. Drives me bonkers.
3. No hand shaking. Yes, to Spock greetings. Live long and prosper.
4. So Patty Cake games… I mean, really, this is Not the time to play that game. Come on, people!
5. No thumb wars. I said This Was Not the Time for those Games. Stop it already. Jeez.

However, we do have to understand this is serious. People have died and we have to have respect for their loved ones. That is a loss they will deal with forever. And we have to understand the risk in our countries and in other countries. We have to understand the risk to people like me, who are chronically ill, and to our parents who are older. We have to understand the strain to our economies. Here with the oil field being so vital and oil having tanked… we will be in a recession with the virus beginning, just beginning to surface, well, we will soon see an impact to business all over. And events canceled. More people will die. The impact will be widespread. And that is not to be minimized. We want to reduce the impact as much as we possibly can even though here in Canada we have yet to see the spread or impact. We will.

So let’s not underestimate the global impact of this pandemic. We will all feel it.

The best method to help not spread the coronavirus is to avoid crowds and human contact. Social distancing so we do not get infected and do not overload our healthcare system here in Canada (or your country) which cannot take it (because they are Not prepared… like they should be, but are not).

If, like me, you are chronically ill… isolation may work best. Or you may have to self-quarantine for two weeks. And maybe you are not an introvert. And maybe you are healthy and not used to long time periods stuck at home.

So while this is a very serious situation I do encourage hermit like behaviour. I do encourage crowd avoidance.

You are in luck. I have been hermitting for three years due to vestibular symptoms. I go out and about once every couple of months for short durations but otherwise it is hibernation in the abode.

I can teach you all how to Hermit

1) Avoid sunlight:

Sunlight is evil, but besides that fact, if you avoid sunlight you will avoid 90% of people. In fact, if in contact with sunlight, squint, look confused and possibly scream.

2) Do not leave the house:

Your house is your cave. You can randomly heckle or rant at people that come to the door, in fact, it is recommended, but do not leave unless in dire need. Dire need may be if cabin fever gets Severe and you are having Long Extended conversations with your cat, where your cat responds, you May need some human contact. Unless your cat is amazeballs.

3) Do not answer the phone:

Let’s face it, if you are a good hermit, the only person calling is telemarketers anyway. If you do feel impelled to answer the phone, then feel free to engage the telemarketer in a random conversation about religion, politics, and anything that is highly opinionated. Or speak in that language you made up.

You can text people back… days later. Pretending like you just saw the text. Because maybe you didn’t. You may have been preoccupied with staring at the wall. Or talking to your cat. Whatever.

4) Develop good ranting skills and strange, obscure hobbies:

This is a necessary asset to any hermit. Get your rant on about anything, but mostly about ‘The Man’, ‘Others’, ‘The Government’ and ‘Aliens’.

Your hobbies may include writing… but never, ever revealing the manuscript. Or discussing it. But, yes, typing frantically isolated in an office for days on end is acceptable behavior… especially in your PJs.

Other hobbies may include making tiny models of towns in infinite detail. Collecting doll heads… just the heads. Black and white photography of just feet. Knitting miniatures of your cat and selling them on Etsy.

5) Act crazy or confused when in contact with ‘them’ or the ‘others’:

This means basically anyone that is not like you. They don’t ‘get’ you and are possibly ‘against’ you. Because the ones that do get you, are equally hermitting and you would never actually meet them aside from that super private Facebook group we do Not talk about. You will get the link when you get your invite. Which you won’t because no one will know you are a hermit.

6) You have to hone your weirdness… to be super eccentric:

People who do wander into your cave will introduce you by saying ‘Oh, don’t mind them, they are eccentric.’ And act extra weird to enforce that. Weirdness is your uniqueness. Treasure it. Enhance it. Grow it. Let if flourish. But not so much as they think you are insane and need help. It’s a fine line. Dance on that line.

Obviously, I am joking a little. But we will all be introverting a little more than usual. Even the extroverts. And if that helps keep everyone safe then so be it. Do a puzzle. Binge Netflix. Get 20 cats. Start knitting. Build a massive toilet paper fort. Or an awesome blanket fort and stay in there with a stash of beer and books. Hoard some books. Paint weird murals all over your walls.

Introverting it fun!

Live long and prosper! Stay safe! Unite by not uniting!

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