Intelligence and self-worth

There is this thing where you are not supposed to say you are intelligent when you are. Or tell people your IQ when it is high. Shhhh it is a secret. And don’t be too smart people do not like that at all. So keep it on the inside.

But here is the thing about that. My IQ is around 137-140. And that is high. And I never, ever thought it was. I mean, statistically I Knew it was, but in my heart I didn’t.

It could have been Impostor Syndrome which I had an abundance of when I was young and still do
Could have been that glazed look people used to give me when I would talk about something I found interesting
It could be that I used words people didn’t understand
It could be I felt ashamed and embarrassed when called a ‘know-it-all’ and still do. But now, also angry.
It could be men don’t like it when you know about something more than they do… whatever it may be. Some men, anyway. And if so, dude, people will know Something more than you do always.

I have never been arrogant. I have never been elitist. I think we all have different sorts of smarts and different sorts of learning styles. And we all have unique experiences and skills and traits. And I find that is what is awesome about people.

And I am book smart. And there isn’t a test or essay I can’t ace just by looking at it. And that isn’t something to be ashamed of.

Low-self worth

But I have a low self-worth. And maybe I didn’t always but certainly after decades of chronic pain where I felt I failed as a Person I developed it. My pain psychologist once asked me to name 10 good and positive traits about myself. I think I got to 4. 4. Yeah. But I could name 20 bad things at a drop of a hat. I just didn’t appreciate anything about myself. And I had a this timid look at my own intelligence. Saying it… sort of embarrassed me. When other people said it… it made me uncomfortable.

Know-it-all

And still sometimes people call me imply I am a know it all for all the strange facts stuffed in this brain. I am a writer…. there is a LOT of strangeness stuffed in there. And I like that about me. I like knowing a lot of weird things and talking about them. But I hate being made to feel ashamed or embarrassed for it. And that then makes me feel angry. So I am a bit of a nerd? And a geek. And a dork. I Love those things about myself. And I do not want to feel like I felt in school… like I shouldn’t talk at all. That I should downplay my vocabulary. And not talk about interesting things (to me). Like I shouldn’t be ME. I don’t know why people have to be dicks about it. I already do not talk about all the things I am into because I know they are not.

So fuck it.

I am intelligent. I am book smart. I am a nerd. I am a geek. I am a dork. And those are just Some of the traits that make me who I am. And if you don’t like that… then screw off. I can’t… hell, I refuse to change myself to suit others. I refuse to be embarrassed. I want to own myself. And I want my self-worth back. This is literally a small fraction of who I am. I have to say it to myself and I have to acknowledge it because it is a part of who I am and it is a part I felt badly about. And maybe that is weird. But I did.

And I am not going to brag about it. Or be a dick about it. Or call myself a stable genius. Or belittle people. Or be arrogant. Or a douchenozzle. Or introduce myself and then say my IQ is such and such and say I am super duper smart like a bag of dicks. I hate people like that. And just because I am smart doesn’t mean I can figure out a damn Rubik’s Cube or beat my spouse at Scrabble. Or find a cure for cancer. Or use it in any meaningful way at all. And like I said every, single person out there knows more than you about something, has a skill you do not have, has an experience you do not have, has different traits you admire because you do not have them. Diversity is awesome. And besides that my IQ is moot with chronic illness… brain fog and dizziness and vertigo and pain… sort of make it hard to do that thinking thing most of the time. I rather value my creativity more. And my wicked humour and sense of humour. And my love of writing.

I think this hating a part of yourself because others treat you like you Should… is never right. Not ever. So love that trait or characteristic that makes you weird. Fuck other people. You be you. So if I say some random fact or I know the answer to some obscure question don’t be a dick about it. It may be my intelligence or more likely it is my research into weird things as a writer and the weird shows I watch that are bizarre. Bet you know weird shit too.