10 relationship tips

So since I have been in a relationship for 18 years I am going to impart some wisdom on how to have a successful 18-year relationship. I can’t do longer than that because, given, the divorce rate, who the hell knows what the future brings. Thankfully my first tip I have down.

1. Don’t get married- Marriage leads to divorce. In fact, it is the number One cause of divorce and no one wants that. There is also preconceived notions of what marriage means and yada yada. But mostly marriage itself leads to divorce.
2. Don’t get mad about clothes on the floor- It is a minor thing. What I did is kept rolling over it with my vacuum resulting in broken vacuums. This approach leads to (a) they choose to vacuum because you are too lazy to pick up their discarded clothes that they are too lazy to pick up, which is a win for you (b) they will begin to pick the clothes up to save the cost of vacuums, another win (c) you will pick the clothes up yourself, a loss, but whatever because it isn’t a big effing deal.
3. Never start an argument. Never. Suck up your emotions like the man or woman you are. Get that chaos of anger out with crafts, meditation, and lots of medication.
4. Never say things you will regret- if you must get into an argument do not say things you will regret later. Rather, speak very slowly and calmly so your spouse understands the level of their wrongness.
5. Division of labor- Decide on the division of labor in the house and stick to it. If the other person has the audacity to do something in your designated chore area you have the full right to berate them for doing it wrong.
6. Nagging- best used in moderation unless you want to smack yourself because you will also annoy the hell out of yourself.
7. Projects- Men/women best finish their projects in a decent time or the partner will have to nag and hate that they are nagging and get really angry that had to do that. The anger will manifest in more nagging.
8. Don’t have kids- Kids cause tension in relationships. How to raise them. Who overfed them. It is because of your side of the family he is like this. That sort of thing. Very high maintenance as well. Have cats. Low maintenance. You can treat them like your ‘babies’.
9. Don’t go into debt- Number one cause of arguments between people is financial stresses. So no financial stresses. Personally, I think the lottery will fix mine.
10. Last tip to a successful 18-year relationship is don’t cheat on your SO. Because then you broke the rules. You already lost. That is no longer a successful relationship.